


Shut doors, eyes, and hearts

by Sugarymemes



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Assumed Character Death, Colleen has been through some shit, Everything turns to shit, Family, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Finding Family, Galaxy Garrison, Garrison days, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Minor suicidal ideation, Pidge is too smart for her own good, Rip Holt family, Trans Female Pidge | Katie Holt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugarymemes/pseuds/Sugarymemes
Summary: For Colleen Holt, everything in her pitiful excuse for a life has turned to dust. Her husband and son are probably dead in space, and her daughter might be as well. But no one could know what that feels like - right?AKA Colleen Holt doesn't deserve any of this shit and is getting her family back.





	1. A deafening silence

Colleen Holt was many things.

Firstly, she was a mother. Secondly, she was a wife. Thirdly, she was strong. Fourthly, she wasn't.

Two of the doors in the Holt household has been closed for an indefinite amount of time. One of them had glow in the dark stars stuck to the door with hot glue. She'd cursed that boy when he'd glued them on - but now she appreciated the permanence - arguably the one constant thing in her ever changing life. 

This door had a thick later of dust on it, having not been touched by human hands in so long - though dog paws were another story. That door had been closed that horrific night, when she and her daughter sat in silence, tearful eyes glued to the screen, as the words "...it is indeed a sad day for all of humanity." echoed around the room, not even coming close to doing justice for the pain that she felt.

The other door belonged to the aforementioned daughter. The last one to touch it had been Katie, and although some days she'd hover her hand in front, poised to knock and ask "Katie - what do you want for dinner?" She always managed to stop herself. Katie would open the door when she came back.

If she came back.

No, when she came back.

She was coming back.

This door had peeling NASA stickers and little glow in the dark alien heads which were actually reflective bike stickers, but that didn’t matter. There were scratches and the bottom of the door from when Gunther would try to burrow his way underneath, and a series of dents from Katie's awful habit of kicking the door open, instead of using the handle like a goddamn normal person. But she'd let Katie kick down every door in the house, if it meant that she'd have her back.

She could hardly remember what the insides of their rooms looked like. Matt's had been dusted and tidied when she Kerberos mission had first set off. Curtains had been opened and closed at night and Katie had freely wandered in and out, snooping through his things and nicking the odd book here and there - after all, Matt wasn't there to stop her.

But after that night, the curtains had been closed. The bed had been made. The door had been shut. And a bitter silence fell throughout the Holt household. Colleen had taken to sleeping on the sofa, or making sure to keep to the right side of the bed, refusing to touch her husband's things. She planned her actions, her life, around two missing figures, desperate to keep everything the same. And it worked, for the most part - until two became three and she was alone.

She had known how hard Katie was taking it. Her own dreams had come crashing down around her - space, her safe haven, her special interest, what she'd dreamed of for so long, was now what had lost her her family. She'd offered Katie therapy, counselling, tried to find support groups - but there wasn't really one for when your family was lost in space. Presumed dead - though in her heart of hearts she knew she could never believe such a thing.

But each time Katie had refused. And each time Katie had gotten a little more desperate in searching for answers. So whenever Katie was dragged home by a government official, she'd take her in her arms, and rub her back as Katie would sob out apologies and Colleen would tell her that it was all okay, that'd it'd all be okay, and there would be silence between them as they knew that there was no truth to those words. 

She'd hear Katie crying at night, but her door would be locked and the light would be off. Sometimes she'd just sit on the other side of the door, singing lullabies through her own tears and trying to untangle the mess that her life had become. In less than a year, everything had become undone and it all seemed so hopeless, and she wondered if it could ever be fixed.

Colleen would pretend to be asleep when she'd hear Katie slip out of the front door late at night and come back at 3 or 4 am in the morning. She didn't know where she'd been, who she was with, what she was doing - but she didn't mind. She was working through her grief in her own way, doing what she needed to do to get through and come out the other side.

But Colleen would always be there at the door, waiting with a warm blanket, and peanut butter cookies and a loving hug. She'd take care of what little family she had, the best that she could. The trio of them, Colleen, Gunther and Katie would snuggle up on the sofa and watch cartoons of documentaries or some God awful cooking show until dawn - but it never mattered because neither of them watched them anyway, their minds weighed down by the weight of the world.

So when she heard Katie slip out of the front door, she'd rise from her bed, and turn all of the lights on in the house, sans Matt's room. The heating would be turned on, the oven preheated, as would the radio, blasting dance music that would echo through house making it seem a little less empty. 

She sat and waited on the sofa, Gunther by her side, as she mindlessly petted him. She'd stare at the TV screen, looking but never really seeing as she waited for her daughter to return home, cold and tired, and drained.

But the door never creaked open, Katie never tiptoed in, and Colleen was all alone, in a big and empty house, a documentary about coin collecting playing on the TV as she sobbed, pleading with whatever higher force was out there to bring her family back to her.

The days and nights drifted by with no notable occurrences. The world didn't seem to stop, and Colleen was angeted by this. Although she knew that was selfish - Colleen believed that she was allowed to be selfish, as she'd lost everything in the span of a few months. She'd answer the phone on the first ring, slamming it down when it wasn't who she wanted on the other end. She found that she'd isolated herself, reluctant to leave the house, for fear that she'd miss them, that her family would come back, and she'd miss them.

She wondered if they were all together - if that meant that they were in heaven together, and she'd considered joining them. But she couldn't, she knew she couldn't, because they were still out there, and she had a dog to take care of. It was nice to have someone to take care of.

She felt so alone, shut up in the house all day. It like she was going mad - but what alternative was there? She'd go out to the supermarket, load her trolley with ready meals and dog food, and ignore the cashier when they'd ask how she was. Eventually they stopped asking.

When she came home from one of these mundane supermarket trips, she was surprised to find that she'd received a letter in her absence, and the surprise morphed into shock and joy as happy tears rolled down her face as she recognised the hasty scrawl as Katie's writing.

With shaking hands, she tore open the envelope, as Gunther barked around her feet. She stumbled her way across to the sofa, almost falling as she sank into the plush cushions, a smile forming on her face which had seen only sadness for too long, as she tried to comprehend the letter. Her Katie was alive. Her Katie was alive, and it was going to be okay. For once - it was going to be okay.

Gunther continued barking and circling the sofa as Colleen gave a light laugh and picked him up, plopping him down next to her on the sofa.

"Okay, okay boy, I'll read it to you. Here."

Through tearful eyes and a big grin, Colleen read the letter to the dog, feeling much happier than she had in a long time.

"Hi Mom, 

I'm so sorry for dissappearing, and not leaving a note or anything. I thought it would be easier for the both of us, but I realised that was a stupid idea and I've just been so busy and I know I'm making excuses, but I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I'm doing okay - I'm doing pretty great actually. I've enrolled at the Garrison! Don't worry - I'm not planning to zoom off into space or anything, I just needed answers. I've been made a communications officer and I'm on a team with a guy called Lance and a guy named Hunk. I don't really know them that well - but I support I'm not hear to make friends.

I promise you I'm going to find Matt and Dad, mom. I'll never give up, I'll find the truth and I promise I'll bring them home. I've enrolled at the Garrison under the name 'Pidge Gunderson' because I knew they'd be looking out for a Katie Holt trying to infiltrate their security again. Not that it really matters.

I'm sorry, but I cut my hair. I've taken Matt's spare glasses and I gotta say, I look like the spitting image of him. Iverson practically has a stroke every time he sees me - I know he's hiding something. I'm disguising myself as a boy, and it's so strange. I worked so hard to be a girl, to be Katie, and now I'm Pidge and it's scary. It's really scary, mom. And it's strange. Is this what my life would've turned out like if I'd stayed Kevin?

I wish you were here with me or that I was here with you or that we were together. That we were all together. But we will be together again soon. I love you so much, mom. I'll see you soon.

Lots of love,  
Katie xxx

(PS. If you want to send a letter back, send it to Pidge Gunderson in the B dorm. If you could send some more stamps too, that'd be great. They're really expensive!)

(PPS. Dad wasn't exaggerating, the peas here are really good. I don't know what they do to those peas, but they're amazing.)

(PPPS. Don't go in my room. You'll have a heart attack if you see it - I'll clean it when I get home. Xx)"

She gave a short laugh at the last line, her smile growing wider as the words 'When I get home' floated around the room. She could hear Katie saying them. She could hear Matt and Sam saying them too.

Colleen leaned back on the sofa, sinking into the cushions with a warm feeling in her heart. She held the letter to her chest, hoping that Katie would come home soon, like she'd promised. She hoped that Katie was right, that they would all be together again.

She sent a letter that very same day, enclosing some planetary stamps that she'd been saving. She thought Katie would appreciate them. Colleen recieved a response around a week later, and she dutifully read it out to the family dog, as he listened with attentive ears.

Letters were sent back and forth, money enclosed, little doodles of Gunther, and news from home, not that there was any - just that Gunther had learned how to roll over, or that the supermarket had started stocking a new flavour of poptarts. It was silly things - trivial things, but it gave a sense of home to the two of them, whose home had been ripped apart. 

The Holt household was just that - a house. There was nothing homely about it anymore, because that was wherever her family was.

Katie had enclosed her Garrison photo in one of the letters, and she really did look the spitting image of Matt. The same wild, untamed brown hair, large round glasses, and sparkling brown eyes, full of curiosity.

The picture was framed, and placed on the mantlepiece next to her husband's photo, the photo of Matt, and the family photo they'd taken together before Kerberos. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Her daughter seemed to be making exciting progress with the search for the missing Holts - claiming to have picked up alien radio chatter on her homemade equipment. Katie never ceased to amaze her, so talented. Her husband had frequently lamented that her intelligence was greater than his, and she was now able to appreciate that fact.

That was until the news came on one night, and Colleen's world crashed down around her as it had sadly done so many times before.

"-Pidge Gunderson-"

"-Galaxy Garrison institute of space exploration-"

"-Presumed dead-"

She squeezed her eyes shut, desperately hoping that it was all just a bad dream. But when she opened her eyes, and made contact with mantlepiece Katie, the tears started flowing and they would not stop.


	2. Alone together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What answers can there be when you haven't even asked a question?

Iverson entered his office in the morning to find none other than Colleen Holt sitting in the chair across from his desk. Her hands were folded neatly in her lap, lips pursed into a narrow line, and eyes staring at the pictures of the Garrison spacecrafts on the wall behind the desk. There was a gap at the end - a nail left, abandoned in the wall - forgotten.

She gave a slow blink.

No.

Kerberos would never be forgotten.

"Colleen Holt, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Iverson asked as he walked into the office, seating himself in the chair across from her. She seemed to stare right through him in an extremely unnerving pressure.

The Holt family had always had a nasty habit of getting into places where they weren't supposed to be. Iverson internally cursed his security, but then he considered that Katie must have got her 'Curiosity' from somewhere.

Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen Katie in many months. Maybe they'd finally gotten over it. But that probably wasn't the conclusion, considering Colleen Holt was sitting in front of him, staring right through him with the same fierce eyes that he'd seen on Matthew and Katie.

"Colleen?"

The aforementioned suddenly blinked back to reality, as she furrowed her brows as looked over his head, in a holier-than-thou type fashion.

"Don't call me that." She shot back, bitterly. 

Once upon a time, they'd been friends. He'd come over for dinner. Eaten the peas. Petted Gunther. Laughed and joked with the family. The Kerberos mission had really changed them all.

A broken man sat in front of her, a broken woman in front of him. Maybe if things had turned out differently, they could've been there for each other. She lost her husband, her son. His lost his friend, his colleague. It wasn't the same, wasn't even close, but they'd both lost them.

"Mrs Holt-" He began, not knowing how he planned to continue the sentence. Luckily, Colleen interrupted him. 

"What happened to those kids?" She asked softly, her voice wavering. The Galaxy Garrison hadn't faced many losses. After Kerberos, they were far more careful. But all the care in the world couldn't have predicted what happened that night - Takashi Shirogane, falling from the heavens and departing of to space again with four kids in tow... It sounded like something of fiction, but if was all so frighteningly real.

"It had nothing to do with the Kerberos mission, if that's what you're asking." He said quickly, believing that was probably what she wanted to hear.

"No, it's not. But those kids -"

"Their parents have been informed about the tragic circumstances, and there will be a full investigation into the incident." Iverson rattled off for the hundredth time, as the sentence had been regurgitated many times to so many different people.

But Colleen wasn't another corporate robot, government official, or basic civilian. She wasn't another face with a tie, or a body in uniform. She didn't deserve this. She was grieving. She was-

She was crying.

Her hands writhed and trembled in her lap. She looked down to her feet as she tried to stifle her sobs. 'The parents have been informed.' Where was Colleen's letter? The Garrison official at the door, beret in hands and bowed head.

She wondered what address Katie had put down. If some random family halfway access the world was getting notified of her daughter's death when she had to find out from the ten o'clock news. It wasn't fair.

"You didn’t tell me." She choked out, wiping her tears away with shaking fingers.

"I - Excuse me?"

"Pidge Gunderson. He was one of the kids, yes?" She asked, raising her head so she could stare right at him. 

Iverson shifted in his seat, considering pressing the red button underneath his desk so that security would come and whisk her away. But he needed to know the real reason that she was here. 

"Yes, he was. Along with Lance McClain and Hunk Garrett." He was merely repeating information that was available to the public, it wasn't like he was spilling military secrets.

He watched as Colleen picked up her handbag from the floor, rooting around in it before producing a framed photo. She gazed at it for a brief moment - before handing it to him.

The photograph was indeed if Pidge Gunderson - his cadet photo in fact. He longed to know how Colleen had come into possession of it.

"Why did you - "

She interrupted him with a raised finger, as she produced another frame from her bag. Gazing at that photo also, with a sad smile, she handed it to him. 

He sighed when he saw that it was Matthew Holt's cadet photo.

"Mrs Holt, I really don't -" 

He tried to hand the photos back to her, but she kept her hands firmly planted in her lap as she shook her head.

"Look." She commanded, fiercely.

"I am looking."

"You're seeing. You're not looking. There's a difference."

Iverson stared at the two photos, squinting slightly. There was a definite resemblance between the two - the same hair and brown eyes, and big round glasses. But it wasn't like brown hair was uncommon - and plenty of kids had those glasses. Did she believe that Matt had come back and re-enrolled in the Garrison as a student?

"I don't understand."

"It's Katie."

"What?"

"Pidge Gunderson is Katie. My Katie."

"Mrs Holt, do you want me to call someone for you - " He'd heard the desperation spew from her mouth before, claiming that she'd seen Sam at the supermarket - or that she was absolutely sure Matt had left her a voicemail.

This time, it was not a look of desperation present in her eyes, but rather a fierce determination. Not a hint of doubt seemed to even grace her facial features.

"She went missing on the 3rd of September,"

Iverson's heart skipped a beat. They day before the Galaxy Garrison school year started.

"Two weeks later I received THIS letter from her," She continued, producing a letter from her bag in the most Godawful handwriting. He saw the words 'Garrison' and 'Pidge Gunderson' and 'Communications' as the letter was shoved under his nose.

"-And these letters." She dragged a neatly bound stack of letters out of the bag, tied with a bright green ribbon. She slapped them down on the desk, as she leaned back in her seat - thoroughly satisfied with Iverson's dumbfounded look as he stared hard at Pidge's - or rather - Katie's - photo.

"Do you believe me now?"

"...I'd had my suspicions." He'd never known anyone so defensive about Kerberos as Katie and Pidge. Or both of them. Her. Him. He didn't know. And every he'd seen Pidge out of the corner of his eye, he'd seen Matt. He'd do a double take, and be met with a raised eyebrow from Pidge. 

"I want answers, Iverson. I know that you're hiding something."

"I can't."

"Please, Mitch. I've lost my entire family. I just want them back. I won't stop until they're back in my arms. You know I won't."

Iverson sunk back in his chair - defeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mitch fuckin Iverson cracks me up. That's it. That's his name. Oh my god.


	3. Clearly confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were exactly two more people in the world who understood what Colleen was going through. There wasn't really a 'The Galaxy Garrison killed my family, but I don't believe they're dead' support group - that made things difficult.

The buttons were dialled into the phone with shaking hands. She checked the scribble on the piece of paper that she'd had the correct number. She'd checked once, twice, a hundred times. She cursed Iverson's awful handwriting and pleaded to whatever God's were up there that she'd get through.

This seemed so important to her - it was the mother of Katie's friend. Quite possibly the only other person in the world who might understand what she was going through - apart from Hunk's parents, but they had gone straight to voicemail. Colleen understood why - she never really felt like talking on the phone. Or maybe they were just busy - maybe they had jobs - lives. What a wild concept.

Colleen pressed the green telephone button, and held the phone to her ear. She heard it ring only a few times before it was picked up. Colleen wondered if it was too late to slam the phone down and forget that she'd ever called. She inhaled deeply before being interrupted by the person on the other end of the phone. 

"Hola, McClain residencia. Esta es Sofía hablando."

Colleen was slightly taken aback by the Spanish on the other end of the phone. She wasn't expecting Spanish. She did not speak Spanish. Glancing down to the paper next to her, she double checked that it was in fact the correct number.

"Uh, Hola?" She responded, uncertainly. Her knowledge of Spanish lived and died with 'Hola.'

"Hola, ¿quién es?"

"I'm sorry, I don't... I don't speak Spanish. Uh, no espanol?"

"Sorry?"

"Do you speak English? IN-GLISH? L'anglais?"

"That's French."

"What?"

"Lady, l'anglais is French. You mean Inglés. As in habla usted Inglés?"

"Oh, sorry."

"Who is this, anyway?"

"My name is Colleen Holt. I'm looking for a... A Ruth McClain?"

"Yeah, hang on. ¡Mamá! Teléfono para usted!"

Colleen heard shuffling as the phone was passed over to whom she hoped was Lance's mother. She was terribly embarrassed at the prior conversation, and was extremely glad that they couldn't see her rapidly reddening face.

"Hello, this is Ruth McClain," An older but still feminine voice answered. She could hear the tiredness in her voice that was or present in Colleen's. It made her heart ache, but also made her feel so much less alone.

"Hi there, can I please ask if you're Lance McClain's mother-"

"No, no, no, no. I've had enough of you journalists trying to make a story out of my son. It's disgusting, you're disgusting. How can you live with yourself - disturbing my family like this when we are trying to grieve -"

"- I'm sorry -"

"You should be sorry! Do you even consider what is going through my head right now? What is going through the heads of the families of those other boys? You are just trying to make a quick buck! Go talk to the Galaxy Garrison if you're so desperate for a story!"

"- Ruth, please." Colleen begged, trying to get a word in edgeways.

"I'm hanging up now-"

"I'm Pidge's mother! Please!" 

There was silence - and for a fleeting moment she thought that Ruth had hung up on her.

"Ruth?" She choked out, a million thoughts rushing through her head all at once.

"Please..."

"I'm here." A voice wavered out from the other side of the phone.

"I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are really, really appreciated! ♡ Love you all - thank you so much xx


	4. Painfully beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She clung onto hope with every last fibre of her being - it was all that she had left now.

Thank you so much, I'll see you soon, Ruth."

"Goodbye and God bless, Colleen. Please call me if you need anything."

Colleen pressed the red end call button with a sigh, and leaned back against the wall, effortlessly chucking the phone onto the sofa. She shut her eyes, and covered her face with her hands as she slid down the wall, until she was effectively hunched up into a ball, shutting out the rest of the world.

How had this happened?

How was Katie gone?

How was her whole family gone?

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair at all. They'd known the risks of Kerberos - they'd known that something could've gone wrong, and tragically, it did. But she'd made her peace with that. She'd TRIED to make her peace with that. 

But her Katie - Oh, God. Her Katie. No one could've forseen that something like this would've happened, though she couldn't help but blame herself. Maybe if she'd been a little stricter - or kinder, stronger... Maybe she wouldn't have lost her.

Colleen let out an awful sob as she thought of her. She rubbed her face vigorously - it didn't really matter though. She hadn't worn makeup in months and most of it had been pilaged by Katie anyway.

She still couldn't believe that she was gone - but she supposed that she was grieving. She hadn't gotten to say goodbye, tell her that she loved her, that she always would. What even were her last words to her?

She desperately attempted to remember her last letter to Katie, but found her last lifeline to her fade away. It pained her to think that she was forgetting. She would never forget. She could never forget.

Struggling to her feet, she tiptoed across to the mantlepiece, gazing at the images of her family with a painful longing in her eyes. Fingertips hovered for a little too long over each image, before grazing over the figure in each images hair. If she closed her eyes, she could almost imagine running her fingers through Katie's hair.

She tried to remember Katie's wonderful hair - it had changed so much over the years. She'd always wanted it long and she'd cry whenever she had haircuts. Colleen realised now that that was probably the first sign of her questioning her gender. The first step from Kevin to Katie.

She reminisced about tying it in a tight french plait for dance competitions - and later, perfectly slicked back buns and ponytails for gymnastics competitions. Her Katie was as flexible as anything, and she fondly remembered the dents in the wall of her room when she'd gotten a bit too excited about a handstand.

Tears began to roll down her face as she remembered Matt holding her feet up, and then picking her up and threatening to chuck her down the stairs as Katie squealed loudly. 

It didn't make sense. It wasn't fair. She was a good person - her family were good people. She cursed whatever Gods were up there for taking them all away. If this was part of some big amazing plan, she thought it was pretty ridiculous.

But there would be time to blame religion later. Right now, she needed to pack a suitcase, and shove her and a pitbull into the car and go on a road trip to the home of Ruth McClain.

When Colleen had admitted who she was - wife of Samuel Holt, mother of Matthew and Katie Holt/Pidge Gunderson, Ruth practically commanded Colleen to meet with her.

Colleen was surprised to find that Ruth knew who she was - but supposed that anyone remotely involved with the Garrison would know about the Kerberos mission. The world knew about the Kerberos mission. And besides - it wasn't like she had anything better to do.

She desperately wanted to meet the her daughter's friends, and their family was likely to be the next best thing, as awful as that sounded. Maybe they knew more. 

Or maybe she'd get some support from the only people in the world that might understand what she was going through. What she'd lost. How she'd lost them.

There was no closure. No bodies, no funerals to be had. There was just the painful, painful unknown and Colleen hoped that one day her heart could be healed.

But right now, Colleen needed to back a bag. She took one last pitiful look at the pictures on the mantlepiece before gathering them up into her arms with a tearful smile. She wouldn't leave them. They'd left her, but they hadn't meant to. Now she wouldn't leave them. She couldn't leave them.

She desperately hoped that they were still out there somewhere - just waiting to be found. Just waiting to come home to her. Only a small part of her allowed herself to believe these words, though at night she'd lie awake, staring at Sam's empty pillow, waiting for the day when he'd lie next to her again.

 

A million miles away, Pigeon Katie stroked the image of her and Matt, as she tried to remember her parents' faces. She'd see them all again one day. She knew she would. She had to believe that - it was the only thing keeping her going. 

The sliver of hope that she clung onto with white knuckles and blistered hands was all she had now. Sure - she'd save the universe, but she needed to save herself too.

"Pidge? You okay?" Hunk Garrett's voice interrupted her pitiful train of thought as she put the photograph down with a weak smile and a nod.

"Yeah, I'm all good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know losing your therapy dog isn't the same as losing your husband and children, but right now I'm asking a lot of the same questions as I think Colleen would be.
> 
> "How is she gone?" Seems to just be going round and round my head because I just can't understand. It doesn't make sense.
> 
> Hope you're all doing okay xx


End file.
